Dead and Alive

I drove truck today and am utterly baffled how a near disaster towards the end did not cause me to smoke. I am now 6 days strong and am grateful and suprised. I just kept thinking "this fucking job is not going to be what gets me smoking, not THIS fucking job." None the less, the fact that the words," buddy, could you spare a square?" did not come out at all today still floors me. As for "DEAD," well it marks the anniversary of my execution in last years assasins fund raiser. I stumbled on the obit. by accident and thought it would be funny to post. By "relieved" though, I feel the urge to clarify it was annoyed to have been shot in the ear with a squirt gun by a man in a teal jacket.

DEAD: Troy Coleman

Under a gunmetal grey sky at the corner of Belle Plaine and Broadway, Mr. Coleman was robbed of his life at 10:15 a.m. on Wednesday, May 10, 2006. Visibly relieved to be free from the trials and tribulations of existence, Mr. Coleman gave in to the urge to follow the light. Expressions of approval emanated from a nearby crowd: “Hey are you playing that assassins game? I want to start up one of those.” It’s not a game young man, it’s a lifestyle.

Day 5 done!

First day back as a PA and it was full of fun adventures. My boss's half finished pack of Parlament Lights talked all day to me. It also made me notice every 7-11 on all my runs. To me those were just really nice cigarette machines. I am sure there's more in there (slurpees and such), I just haven't noticed in years. Just shouting out to the ubber support. Seriously, it is helping tons! A;so grateful the fire didn't get any closer than it did. We could see flames from our driveway. Spooky. But hey, I could smell the smoke (ironic enough).

Still strong

Just a word to let my supporters know, still smoke-free! Painting was a bitch to try without it. I am staying strong though. This monkey is going down! 4 Days, hell yes!

72hrs later!

Just droping an update, still quit! The bets have got to be getting good at this point. It's getting easier in some ways and tougher in others. There are a few lucid moments where I feel normal and think about regular life stuffs. Then the rest of the time I am thinking how much a cigarette would make me feel good. That is coupled now with the "it's been 3 days, that's a perfectly decent go for now." Honestly, I just stay busy to keep my mind engaged in the next task. I even bought a huge canvas, ending my painting strike at LA, to be covered soon. I am also entertaining the idea of buying a game system to occupy time. Playstation2 or Xbox? I can only justify a used system. Hmm... which one?

48hrs or the new "cool?"

The support has been fantastic! Thnk you to everyone that has been voicing or typing words of encouragement. Despite some bitterness over my Saturday night of vice-free existence, i got through. I appreciate the thoughts on "coolness" without a cigarette. I am fundamentally in agreement that just being myself will be enough. However, that is not the easiest idea to try and welcome. I'll get there. I used to find it tough to envision going a weekend without a bottle. The winner though of the suggestions for coolness though was the toothpick. Thank you Nate! For anyone looking at this for suggestions, the best 2 things thus far have been: 1. Quit smoking in my car 2 months ago. That made the car into an actual smoke-free, safe zone where temptation is lower. 2. A ridiculous schedule of anti-smoking routines. I am popping all these homeopathic, nicotine-free pills and lozeges every hour or two. Each also requires not eating or drinking anything 15 minutes before or after. Essentially I am watching the clock and have something to do every 15 minutes. A pain at times, yes, but fuck it I am looking at the clock all the time anyhow. It is, by the by, especially fun to pull out a bottle of pills during an AA meeting and just pop one. Good times

24hrs later...

This is the first day I have been nictine free since Fall 95. I am doing fairly well though. The cravings are so steady, it feels much more like a mental obsession than a fleeting desire. In full honesty, I celebrated my 24hrs by buying a pack of cloves. I semi smoked one, tap dancing with not inhaling. I felt like shit for it, gave Tiff the pack to offer to some very grateful theatre person. I am again on the wagon, if you will. I am also entertaining suggestions for ways to not feel ubber lame without drinking or smoking.

Fuck the Monkey!

Today I launch another sincere go at quiting smoking. I am armed to the hilt this time (as you can see), thanks to the coolest care package Mom has ever sent. She utilized this process and has been quit for close to 2 weeks. I swear, I thought that was never going to happen. Now it's my turn to man-up. I want to be done with these things. Here goes! I seriously can not wait to be able to smell the rain again! It just feels like the right time and I am tired of thinking about it honestly. I enjoyed my smoking for years. Hell, I made that shit look good too. I jusyt hate that urgency and feeling need that I am now way too powerfully aware of. Plus, the anti-smoking measures are working. I notice more and more I am the only one lighting up. I friggin' hate the idea I am the smelly guy, reeking of an ashtray. I just took my first round of craving-killers. Nice to know they taste good. I am going to follow this up with a trip to the gym. Keep fingers crossed, 6hrs is my hump for now.