Sometimes you just need a comfy place to curl up...

1 week...

Turn Left

I've been logging some miles and doing my best to just not think so much. That is an interesting proposition when I go to jot some thoughts down. My approach has been that of counter intuitive action. If I feel like ass and don't want to talk, I ask how someone near me is doing. when I feel like isolating, I answer my phone. Basically I am trying to do the exact opposite of my well meaning, but entirely unhelpful instincts are telling me to do.

6...

Not Paying Attention

To an embarrassing degree I have been consumed with my own shit all day. I believe this overwhelming self absorption should pass soon enough with enough time, but it is a bit frustrating to be so easily frustrated. It makes me appreciate the degree of perspective I regularly have as there are just not that many big issues.

While not a huge issue, I was snapped back to perspective when I got home to find one of our dogs quite sick. She's just not doing well but still within the realm of let's see if she perks up with some rest. The rest of my day seemed to lapse into an embarrassing recollection of moments.

For the perspective I am grateful, but wish it didn't take a sick puppy.

More Than Three

I suppose it is a part of not wanting to accept feeling out of sorts, but my head has been full of judgement all day. Hell, it's fun for a couple minutes, but by midday it was clear the entire world was probably not being the asshole. I have heard it said and agree with the idea that when I encounter more than three assholes in a day, I am likely one of them. I surpassed my quota before my first cup of coffee was finished today. While there are bound to be days like this, it is frustrating to only claim victory in not saying everything that crossed my mind. Added bonus, I was so frustrated from being frustrated I decided it was time to give the running shoes some work. No pain and a decent time for barely logging a couple miles in two weeks. Nice to have a modicum of better breath as well.

Once Again Into the...

3...

Just Add More

Last year Tiff and I were about to give up on a cleanse right about now. I recall how it entailed fruit juices, no gluten, and a variety of other things that were no's. It was so time consuming and attention demanding that it was difficult to focus on anything else. At the time I was a few days quit smoking and doing alright. When the rigors of the cleanse began and I found myself constantly hungry, it actually took the edge off the smoking cravings. As odd as it seems, increasing the challenge lightened that one.

I am embracing all the efforts for this 2013 of Good as it is taking the edge off the more challenging efforts. Right now I'm enjoying a great old time sounding jazz station on iTunes, KKJZ, and Tiff's making breakfast burritos. It's going to be a good day

Stupid Monkey

Tonight was a little harder. I really wanted a cigarette. It's hard to admit that as it has been so long now, I feel that should be ancient history. None the less, driving home, my Jeep slowed by numerous gas stations. I imagined having a pack again and it made me happy. The trouble is, that is just the beginning of the story. It always starts of romantically with that sexy first pack that will last forever. Then it turns into the addiction ugly. The fishing butts out of the ash tray because you ran out and the store is too much trouble to get to. 

I got home tonight and I ran. It helped. Still, it is one of the only times I am free of the scare of smoking again. Even if I am thinking about it the whole time, I can not ever just grab one. It is truly a blessed reprieve to have that.

Happy and You Know It...

"How's quitting smoking going?" That was the simple question my friend asked me today. I grumbled and gave my half enthusiastic report. He remarked I never seemed to embrace my nonsmoking with much passion as I showed in other areas, like running. That seems true. While I can point out the logic in there being little ability to embrace a non action, the point was made. So what does it take to be an excited nonsmoker? How do I just "get over it" and move on? I know it takes some time, but it's irritating for it to last so long and still have good friends notice you seem less than excited to be a nonsmoker still. It has been over 6 months now and I know it takes a long time, but surly there must be something I can do to embrace this.

Thoughts?

Six Months Ya'll

I just wanted to report that as of yesterday, I am now a whole six months smoke free. This is an odd sort of milestone in that all three of my decent attempts prior to this have all fallen at the six month mark. So far so good, but damn there have been some wicked cravings again. Tell me this is a milestone increase, otherwise I may have to go buy a pipe or something.

Three Smoke Free

With all the hellabalou last weekend, I didn't even get to make much of a comment on it, but last Saturday I hit the 3 month smoke-free mark. It felt important to mention it as I know when word stops getting made it's usually a bad sign. Conversely, I didn't want to talk about it all the damn time this time too. It's not my first walk down this path. None the less, I am still quit. It feels good, but as of late the mental obsession has been tough. I have really wanted one lately. Ergo, I am furiously lacing up the running shoes each day. I know this too shall pass, but damn it's tough when in the middle of a tough craving.

Racing to the Unknown

Everyday feels that much closer to moving into our house. Everyday also still feel like an eternity till the big change too. I know I have mentioned it, but when I pause to consider it, I am counting the days till stepping off the known. It will be different and exciting and full of new challenges to be sure, but how unusual it is to be racing full speed towards such a goal.

By the by, today was the 22 day I have been out to run and if all holds well, we will be moving in on my 3 month date of quitting smoking.

Dedication

I tend to be an all or nothing kind of guy. Either you were great at something or why bother? There is an obvious flaw to these lines of thinking for sure. As a friend once said with that mindset, "you become very good at very little." I tend to take to some things with exuberance though and am hard pressed to find balance. Take smoking for example. I tried it, I liked it, I did it all the friggin' time! I kid you not, I had an ashtray in my shower for a while.

Now on the quit side, I am running constantly. Yesterday I ran before and after work. It has started to become less about not smoking and more about the connection to days when I run tend to be days I stay more level headed. The Jekyll and Hyde swings are less. So I lace up.

What I wonder is when dedication becomes obsession? Too much of anything can lead to trouble. A different friend is fond of reminding my to listen to my gut or "my still small voice" on questions like that. So far the gut is enjoying the miles.

Running Like the Devil

The whole reason I started running in the first place was because I quit smoking. In LA, I discovered when I was running I thought about smoking a lot less. Ergo, I ran A LOT. Looking back you can tell how bad the initial attempt to quit smoking was. I went from 2 packs a day to running 3.5 miles a day in 100 degree, Los Angeles quality air. This go round has not been as difficult, but the mental obsession is a bear to let go. Consequently I am running all the damn time. It's good and I am enjoying being out there more, especially now that the weather is turning nice. So far, I am at about 5 weeks.

See This Show!

So I was just doing the usual surfing over Facebook posts while sipping my first cup of coffee. I started clicking links and was soon watching videos my incredibly talented friend (and occasional minister) posted about his ongoing show City Love Song. Not only was I reminded yet again how impressive this show is, but I was humbled by a simple principle I seem to have lost lately. I have been heartily focused on my challenges quitting smoking and been unfortunately focused upon myself. That aim has never relieved me of any difficulty. When I can focus outwards and say try to help someone else out, the miracle happens that I feel better.

Now what does all that have to do with Jack and City Love Song? Easy. He is launching one of the most incredibly ambitious tours VERY SOON. Chances are, if you are reading this you either live in a city he will be visiting (NYC is the first spot) or you might know someone in one of his global stops. If you do, GO SEE THIS SHOW or tell your friend to. It's delightful and fun and a truly unique experience.

As for your Captain here, I think I might try spending a little more time discussing the awesomeness around me, rather that the temporary irritations of quitting the cigarettes. That is even boring to me. Thank you all for the support and I will keep you updated!

Luck

I am one lucky guy. While I know I have a Jeckle and Hyde within me, it's felt all the more obvious over the last smoke-free month. I am not a fan of the "I quit smoking so allow me to be a jerk" camp, but my ability to catch it has definitely been slower. I am glad to say that has been improving, but man am I ready to not feel like a bad guy while trying to do something good.

Can't Light Up

Today marks the one month point of my Quitting Smoking 2011 campaign! As was stated yesterday, it has not been flawless, but impressively close. Hell, close enough I've been annoyed I have not trespassed more. Yeah, it's one month crazy talk.

One interesting observation I've had of late is whenever I am asked if it's still tough and EVERYTIME I want to say YES, it's the truth. None the less, there are times when I don't think about it too. Those are the good times, but much like willing myself to fall asleep, I can not control them. Even just thinking, "hey, I have not thought about smoking in a few hours," inevitably leads to wanting one quickly thereafter.

For the most part, I am doing well by just procrastinating that next trespass. Oh, I'll have a cigarette, but not tonight. That seems to be some healthy, self bull-shitting. Hoping this effort sticks!

So it goes

While my 2 am post last night was recorded on Sunday, it doesn't feel like it should count for today's post. It also reminds me my "all or nothing" approach to life is not usually a good one. To me if the record isn't perfect it's f**ked. That approach has led to me giving up on a lot of worthy starts way to soon. My quit smoking campaign has not been flawless, but it surely is A LOT better than nothing. Hell, the few drags have been so few in a way I don't even think they get to count. There's that all or nothing angel again. Truth of the matter is, there are very few areas of my life that require perfection. Everything else lies in the grey and as long as I don't turn them into black or white, all or nothing, I get to do some cool things. As far as Stupie goes, I am appreciating the challenge of writing daily and the thoughts it is flushing out. It's keeping me honest and working harder.

Damned if I do...

It's been a little better than 3 weeks now since I made the plunge into nonsmoking. For the most part it has been pretty good. The cravings though are intense and right now I am riding out a significant one. I hate being in that place where I can't say as I want to smoke nor do I want to fight the desire to smoke. Limbo.

By the by, the pic wasn't within the last three weeks.

Simple Good

It doesn't seem to matter how old I am, a night before a day off is always cool. As of late it has been some long runs at work. It makes it all the sweeter to get to just veg out to a good TV show on Netflix. Some delivered pizza and a couple snoozing dogs... it's a pretty good night.

Still not smoking too, by the way. Friggin' amazing.

My Patient Three

I love my wife. I love my dogs. I even kinda like our soon to be old news apartment living.

That's what's important and I am trying really hard to remember it while my system is learning to cope without my cop out device. I am embarrassed to admit I have been ill tempered lately. While I understand the concept that no one owes me extra patience right now (no one made me start smoking), it hasn't been as easy to live up to it.

The three ladies in my life have been very patient and I owe them so much gratitude.

As for the irritability, this too shall pass, I am told. So far that has never failed to be true.