Once hungry...

I have heard it said that strays have nearly insatiable appetites due to their early years of scarce food. I have also heard it said people tend towards those same instincts. If you grew up where things were in short supply, you find yourself inclined to hoarding if available. Well, my upbringing being anything but Disney, I felt the recession on the Reagan era pretty close in my family. I had my first business effort at 8 selling bowling novelties at my Dad's league night. My first job was at 14. I learned early on how to work.

My brother and I show the same tendencies on the job too, so I am inclined to believe we picked up something from our modest upbringing. I usually work harder than needed, longer than required, and with more ethics than could be included in any "at will" contract. These characteristics are all being exploited to their finest as a Production Assistant. The job by its nature is so cruel at times, it's a wonder it has not attracted any legal backlash. After all, it is industry standard to lie on our timecards, work well over 10 hours a day (and then drive 550 Super Cubes), and never see overtime or a full-fledged break.

Nonetheless I like working, still. Not necessarily as a PA for much longer. I am flattered to have heard from most of the coordinators I have worked for in the last year this week. I have established myself as a solid guy to call and depend on. That feels good, regardless of the job. A PA life is one that should probably best be spent figuring out how to get out of being a PA to be sure. For now I will sling the pop-ups and lock-down street corners. It's not always so bad. After all, yesterday I was running 30-yard sprints, back and forth while being pursued by a faux Jet and Giant. Plus I had a stand of cheering NY fans in their best autumn gear... in Long Beach... at Veteran’s Stadium... in 95-degree heat... ah, Hollywood.

I have a ton of work coming and am ok with it. I was offered a role this week for another small, storefront show that I had to decline. It was starting too quickly for me to change my schedule unfortunately. I was flattered nonetheless and had a ball auditioning. LA seems to be a tough town to try and do a play. They take too much time. It is the MTV generation's kinda town. My jobs are measured in days and my lease is month to month. Foundation? Why that's my no contract gym membership and fellowship of constantly changing cohorts.

I am heeding the adage I heard a while back as of late though. Let me not ask for a lighter load, but a stronger back.

At least that’s for now. I also know that every director’s chair and sheet of layout board are bringing in the money that will let me move from here. Funny... just funny

On the Seventh Day...

I am going a little nuts right now. Oddly I am stressing over going for a run. More acurately, NOT going for a run. I have gotten into a routine of running about 3 miles a day and hitting the gym after. I actually really love it. It feels like truly healthy, affordable fun here in LA. Plus, it gets me out of my head. With such long stretches of unemployment as a PA can experience, this has proven to be utter relief. I even enjoy the sun a little for it.

However, it has been brought to my attention by Tiff that I am potentially over doing it a bit. I am not one that tends to embrace moderation much. Today I was very stiff waking up and my trip to the gym yesterday was cut short due to exhaustion. I had, afterall, worked 10hrs loading a truck already. It is a little obvious I need to stop for a day or two. So here I am in the late afternoon trying to get it out of my head to run a little. There are creative projects to work on, books to read, even music to enjoy. I just can't shake the impulse to get out there.

Who would have imagined this former chain-smoking kid would be getting a craving for running?

Real?

I got a haircut today. Yeah, kinda slow news day. I was chatting though with the woman that was doing the much needed chopping. We were talking about being an actor. It's sorta a standard LA thing to tell someone you are an actor. Pretty much, who isn't. Hell I'd be willing to bet you shake a Starbucks anywhere here and you will have 4 SAG cards on the ground.

None the less, when she found out I actually preferred to work onstage, she then said, "oh, you're a real actor." Under my little haircut smock I welled with pride for a moment. "Yes that's right I am, " I thought. Hell, I've received stiches for a stage fight, toured a lot of the country, performed in 6 consecutive shows, and graduated from Second City Chicago. I spent more time in a state I was rehearsing one year than the state I lived in. I was once a pirate for 5 months. All said I have cause the reproduction of my headshot over a 1000 times. A kid in Watertown, Wisconsin has my autograph (and I have his, he was 5). I am a real actor! Right?

What got me was when the conversation continued. We were talking about the effort and pains of getting the job. Of the strnge reality that someone can not give you a job because you are too short, too loud, too named after one of their ex's and would be a nuisance to try and get over. To me, it's still just a game. It takes a lot to stay at the table sometimes, but the game itself still does not bother me. I still giggle remembering crashing the Wicked auditions here as #534 with an acapella version of Selfishman by Floggng Molly. Still don't know why they never called.

I like what I do. I love making people hate me as a villain and laugh when I am a clown. I know it's sentimental sounding, but sometimes you have to just say it. Otherwise, you might forget. No one else is really interested in reminding you how great it is to be an actor in real life. There are 3 more waiting for a haircut next.

Stay of Eastern Motion

It's been a hell of a week or so. I've had it in mind to write this entry for most of that time. Unfortunately for you, my two readers, I have had a job PA'ing a Lexus commercial. It's been good but a surreal sort of experience given where I had been. When I first got the call, I laughed a little afterwards. I had my bags packed and by the door to escape to Colorado for some head clearing solitude just days prior. I was convinced my days in LA were numbered and that that number was not going to excede 13 months. Hell, I though it may be closer to 12 there for a bit.

Oh and there was the certainty that I was returning to the Windy City also for a bit. It seemed a logical and emotional good choice for both Tiff and I to go back where we felt more comfortable and the leaves changed. How could that be a wrong move? After all, I miss Chicago as much as Denver most of the time. Yet there it was again, the gut feeeling. The same reason I did not leave Chicago in those first 3 years. That instinctive feeling that I was not finished there yet. Now I don't feel LA has the same span to look forward to, but it did seem premature to leave just yet, especially like this.

Mr. Mowery put it great perspective by saying, "you have accomplished as much in a year there as you did in six years back in Chicago."

Kinda true.

On the other hand, I am getting more and more aware of a yearing to enjoy a quality of life again too. I am tired of just visiting it when I go home. Danielle retorted a question about her move to Denver from LA and acting sacrifice quite simply by saying she, "hadn't given up anything by moving." That might be true also, I am beginning to believe.

Yet I digress. This blog in particular is about the choice to stay in the land of Botox and Pinkberry. For now, it seems right. The problem though with "for now" is that it can change on a dime.
Tiff and I were debating this morning about the depressing prospect of another Fall without Fall. We can not even bring ourselves to discuss an utter snow-free Winter. For those that think that an odd statement, try a 100 degree day or two at the onset of December. It is a little tough on the spirits to wear shorts and try to get a Christmas tree on the car.

Today though, my California driver's license is correct. Today, my plates are legally accurate. Today I have a place to hang my hats. Today I know where the coffee is. What will I do when "for now" changes? Well I guess that is never a problem if you can stay in the now. "Now" doesn't change does it? When I refuse to stay with it, that's seems to be when the torque begins. God knows staying with it is a challenge (pun intended).

To bring it entirely up to the moment then, I will continue to enjoy the Dave Mathews playing. I will pour another cup of black coffee and move the clothes to the dryer.

For now...

SPF 365

Time flies when your in the sun. Tiff and I rolled into LA last year on the 6th. I remember it so well. We actually hit town at about 4. We sat in traffic for 2 hours, having just finished up our 2000 mile trek across the country. That was concluded by a fast unload of our 2 over-packed cars. We were staying with her 2 friends, Ian and Amanda, who had a spare room but not in a good neighborhood. Then Amanda, Tiff, and I hopped in the lime, VW bug and went to Truly Vegan for food. God, it is so surreal looking back at that night.



The year since has been right there in suit. I became a PA the next morning and have stuck with it. As much as it may get on my nerves, that job has introduced me to so many people. I learned most of the city quickly and got to do some pretty unusual shit. Production license it is called here. In Chicago, that same thing used to be called organized crime.

I have had a chance to do a lot of work, some stage and some film. I became SAG eligible within a year. Tiff and I have explored a few beaches, cafes, and restaurants that were truly delightful. I quit smoking! Seriously, some things will missed heartily. I have become quite enamored with the city that continues to think money can solve anything. It's like the family member that every year tells the same bad jokes. Sooner or later you sorta start to love 'em for being so ridiculous. LA is no Vegas, but it certainly holds that in common- no excuses.

I have also seen utter misery here. Within days of getting here I stood less than 15' from a gun man shooting at a house of people. I have seen poverty at an extent it forever changes you (the place PA's go isn't always great). I have no real interest in cataloging all the difficulties though. They have been here. Not just because of here. That's what I know about that.


So what now? I have written a lot about moving. That seems in the works. The serious look at what that means is underway. Can I go back to Chicago without just erasing my year of progress here or just hitting my rut I left there? Is Denver or Minneapolis or Seattle a good step right now? A smaller market to test my bigger skills learned in? Hell, just to breathe? To finally have a cup of coffee during a rainstorm again?

Then the most horrifying idea... staying here longer. I can no adequately express how difficult an idea that is. I have relished the possibility of leaving as soon as is possible. Now I may have to stay and even defend it? I don't know if I could win a long round bout in that corner. Personally I am ready to chuck it all and run a coffee shop in the mountains of Colorado somewhere. What do you say Polairess?


You ever truly tried to figure out which star is the second one on the left?

Please Be Careful!

A friend of mine Ruf-ied last weekend.

I am referring to the date-rape drug that can be slipped into a drink without notice. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Date_rape_drug#GHB). She was at a bar she goes to on a regular basis and had no thought of danger in such a familiar setting. As it turns out that saved her in the long run. She was soon surrounded by friends that joined her late and the would be assailant left, presumably to another bar or party.

Take some time to just reaffirm you are being cautious. I am not talking paranoid alertness, but caution. Most of us live in fairly large cities. Keep an eye on your drinks. Let a friend walk you to your car. Stick around till they OPEN the door before driving away. Seriously, these predators are the worst scum. I hate that they may try to hurt people I know and love and I did not even say anything.

It just happened to a friend in one of the last places I would have guessed.

Ways to Fix LA #2

I know it;s been a while but try to keep up here. On the last point, I offered a way to add some "immediacy" to traffic. This time I am offering up a duel suggestion. One to improve the spirits in a couple ways. Behold, I give you Road Weekend!

What is this you may ask? It is a chance for two accomplishments. The premise is simple. On one particular weekend, the major highways and roads in need of work are closed. It is a city holiday that is observed by foot, only city and emergency vehicles are allowed to run. The roads are closed to finish construction on them. No more of this months to add a turn lane (like Franklin and Highland). The 405? There are stretches that trees are growing on what was already leveled for the widening.

Just finish it!

There is no shortage of labor here. Finish it. Seriously. Other cities seem to get their roadwork done through difficult off seasons. LA, what is your excuse? Just finish it. We'll stay home, sleep late, barbeque, whatever. Just finish it.

My apologies, my mistake

I apologize, humbly to those of you that were a little thrown by the bluntness of the last post. I, quite obviously, was a bit distraught when I wrote that. The sentiment behind it was earnest though. I just did not feel as though I could write much for a while. That being said, I reflect on the sage-like insight a friend back in the Fort gave me, " why would you talk to someone about not talking to someone?" Good point.

Life gets rough sometimes. Understatement. I thought I would stop talking. Mistake. I did that once recently and it left me alone with me, the worst company I could ask for. Mistake. As of late my shadows are becoming illuminated. That is not a mistake. It does however bring the roughness. To my Star, I am humbly yours. Being human is not always easy, perhaps that's why something bigger is needed. Ironic huh? "Sorry" is a worthless word to me. I heard it too much by 14 to ever trust it again. I wore it out by 16 to ever use it again. What I know is I can try and set right through actions. When I thought I needed to run, to shut up, to isolate... well that was a mistake as well.

So here's to brave new actions.

I am renegging on the ubber silly vow of silence. I also apologize for the ridiculous drama it reeked of. Sometimes attepting to "defend the obvious," means calling shannanagins on myself, ergo my new label for this type of post.

Keep reading, I'll keep writing.