But I Want It...

What is it about the fantasizing about stuff that is so alluring? I firmly believe in the creed of "want less, do more," but it gets so tempting to really dive into the mental shopping for stuff. The latest obsession has been a camping trailer. The why's are irrelevant, but it has a good grip on me as I WANT IT. Hell, I don't even camp yet. That's how the folly of this mental day tripping is obvious to me, when I yearn for something so unnecessary right now. I realize it is probably a byproduct of being on such a tight budget right now, but it's silly when you get to lay it out on the table like that. There is some fun to it, but when it runs away with me it's no good. The helpful element to fantasizing about something so far beyond reach like a camping trailer is I can see the game. When it's easier to convince myself of somethings value, I go a little bonkers.

You have to admit though, that's a cool camper. Heh.

Monday Directions

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right… (repeat).

Circa 1995

Lessons for Struggles

I'm trying each day to embrace the changes. Things have been in flux for a month now and the end is still not within sight. All this uncertainty has brought several positive changes though. My budget is much more under control. While not wasting money is an ideal, it's tough sometimes to bring the spending down when it has been routine to not sweat it as much. I am not talking extravagance, but the slow bleed of money when you are not paying close attention is annoying to me. Want Less, Do More. I have also developed a considerably stronger faith. When there is so much about that I can influence but little, I have drawn strength from faith in powers beyond my ability. That is a wonderful product of struggle. Lastly, I have been reminded that waiting till everything is fine to smile or enjoy life is waiting for a day that does not come. The now is ok, even with its challenges. I have a good life and am grateful to still be in it.

Recalculating

This morning I am betwixt a couple options and having some difficulty getting clear. I have often been told in these circumstances it is best to be still and listen to that still small voice inside; in essence my gut. Unfortunately my mind likes to bogart the mic if you will. I do believe most decisions are made fairly instantly and the rest of the time is spent debating it. While I have a good hunch which direction to go on this crossroad, I am debating heavily. The best I know to do is the simple tasks that lead to quiet. I have hit the road and ran this morning, ate a good breakfast, called some friends to say hello (i.e. stop thinking about myself for a moment), and am about to meditate a short spell. These are the tangibles I can do. The results are out of my hands and I have faith. I think I just needed to remind myself of all that.

Birthday Blank

I'm not sure if I am the only one out there that experiences this, but right around birthday time, I draw a complete blank on anything I would want to do. I suddenly have no favorite restaurants, no favorite meals, or favorite anything for that matter. Right at the top of June, I feel completely blank. Does that happen to anyone else? It feels like a lost opportunity when I finally just get to pick something and no one else gets to argue and yet, I am at a loss. I feel even conspicuous. While I adore attention normally, right here in that first week of June, I go all shy. What gives? Am I crazy? I know next week I'll have opinions again, but right now I am like an Etch-iSketch after a bumpy road.

Please, tell me if this is common or just me being odd… again.

Half is Half

A new day and a little honest work today and I am pondering the power of positivity. I found myself feeling like people about me are more on the half empty side. I am not sure why that has been bugging me but it's really been a drag. I wish so that I had a little more of the "everything's possible" attitude. It shouldn't have an affect but it is. So what does an optimist do when pecimisism pervades? I'm trying.

Running the Diagnostics

"What did you stop doing?" That is the question that comes to me whenever I start to feel a little off kilter. My good friend Bill is also fond of reminding me of this too. So often I can look back when things felt smooth or easy and I can see where I had been maintaining certain actions that had subsequently dropped off. Now for an obsessive/compulsive, this is a dangerous proposition at just face value. I am often reminded, usually by Bill, to take it easy too. While it sounds conflicting, my experience has shown them to be quite compatible; for today at least. That said I pounded out 4 miles this morning and am touching base with Stupie Nation. Yes, I do think of you as a nation and one I am humbled to be in contact with.